I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
