it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
