i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
