If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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