my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
