a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
