I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
