It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
