i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
