AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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