You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
