Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
