You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
