Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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