Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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