I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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