Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
