we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
