he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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