He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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