I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
