at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Randomize
