just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
we're making bets on your personal life
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
