Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
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