I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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