sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
