he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
