yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
