have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
