sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
