fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize