Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
