highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
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