I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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