Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
