I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
