woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize