I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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