Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Randomize
