I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
