You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
