I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
