That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
