The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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