Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
