4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
