Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
