i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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