Too much gin, very little bucket
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
