I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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