dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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