The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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