Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
