Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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