When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
your like the ambassador to my penis.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
