Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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