I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Randomize
