First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
