so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
