Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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