It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
