the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
