I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
