if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize