At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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