I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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